Dear 2020,
WTF! First a global health crisis which turned our lives upside down and now police brutally coming to the surface. The latter is nothing new but it’s now showing up like a stinging bitch slap. Pardon my French. With everything circulating online on racism these weeks, I’ve had to take a cold hard look at myself and the society I live in. There’s a lot being said on the subject and I’m not the most appropriate person to talk about it as there’s still so much to take in. Right now, I’m listening and researching but I wanted to acknowledge what’s going on before continuing with this post.
I’ve kept this space quiet recently as I tried to unpretzel my thoughts and wrap my head around the reality which had all of us home-bound. Just when I made peace with self-isolation and the rollercoaster of mood swings that came along with it, things changed again, ‘returned to normal’.
To say that there have been changes recently would be an understatement, yet some things remained very much the same. My breakfast Weetabix bowls and morning calls to mum still happened daily, though were upgraded to the balcony with a side of journaling.
Working from home was nothing new to me and to all the WFH newbies, I must tell you, this isn’t exactly how a home office works during non-corona times. We’re battling with portions of uncertainty and stress we never ordered and if working from home seems like next worst nightmare after running out of toilet roll, that’s fine. I think many of us felt that.
I’ve also struggled with staying motivated and inspired while working from home these months. Though the environment of my work didn’t change much (besides the ability to work from cafes and friends’ kitchens), its content did. The usual stories I cover are on hold because of covid-19 and several freelance collaborations were cancelled. At least the features I’ve been working on during this time have been interesting and allowed me to stay creative. Truth be told, several opportunities came up during this period and I noticed many people get creative which was a pleasant surprise.
Usually, after I shut down my laptop, I’ll step out to go see friends, go to my fitness or music class. In lockdown, the furthest I’d travel to was the couch in the living room or the kitchen for yet another slice of banana bread. Except when I went out for my new weekly neighbourhood walks. There I discovered a whole bunch of cute surprises. A wool shop just one street away from me I never knew existed, I noticed how many of my neighbours had roses in their gardens and that May was their blossoming month. I even began saying hello to some neighbours I wouldn’t usually converse with.
When I entered the lockdown, I was on a roll. I was writing several long features for work every week, covered corona-affected lifestyle stories for a big travel platform, did a guest post for another media and wrote a few guides addressing the lockdown and its implications on our lives.
Then I hit a block. Overwhelmed with the changes, the news and family misfortunes, my productivity began to drop. This went on for weeks. Every time I tried to take a step back from work to re-energize my thoughts – because that’s what writing is for me, observing, living and thinking then put into words – I felt guilty not to be working. It didn’t work.
I hit a low point and called a friend obviously upset. I spent the next few days changing up my morning routine. I’m grateful my job allows me to do this. I’d go for a walk, visit the old town, talk to people researching article ideas and re-stock my stationary shelf. This always drives me to sit down at my desk. I also switched up my working spot.
I’m halfway through this. Still changing my work location, altering my morning routine and having more frequent breaks. I’m pushing through the block and I guess it’s not just a block from work but from life also due to the sheer amount of stuff that’s happening right now.
It does feel strange to share all this with the internet but my mama always said that vulnerability is a strength and I strive to be as real as possible. Truth is, I missed blogging. I just didn’t know where to place it amidst everything else.
Some weeks were great, sunny and calm. I was finally doing all the daily habits the ideal version of myself does. Other weeks brought in a new wave of ambiguity and emotions that I had to sort through. Those days, I baked and melted on the couch watching Netflix. It didn’t always feel marvellous, I felt like I was wasting precious time. But it certainly was needed.
My kick to write this blog post was during another melting-on-the-couch session watching Julie&Julia. Seeing characters blog and write always reminds me how exciting and fun having a blog is. A space for your thoughts, your projects, your reflections, shared with the world. I got the same sense of enthusiasm during How to get over a break-up on Netflix and of course, those late-night writing scenes in Carrie Bradshaw’s New York apartment. I picture a little voice reading over these words, just like Carrie and Julie do.
I know I’m not super consistent with this blog. I also know that it’s the number 1 advice for bloggers but damn it Karen, it’s not always possible. Sometimes, frequent posts are totally doable. About once a year, comes a sorry-it’s-been-so-long post like this one.
I’m not entirely sure where I’m going with this post but just like everything else in my life lately, I’m simply going with it and being patient. I guess this is a very honest review of my lockdown and post-lockdown life. Parts of it anyway.
If you want to know more, I’ve been invited by a dear fellow blogger for a brutally honest and interesting talk on lockdown life sharing not only my experiences but also what I discovered through article research. More details soon!
